It’s over two months since I hit burnout, and life has continued its rollercoaster-like path. Awaiting a surgery date for my Dad which was scheduled then cancelled, and rescheduled for this week. I had already booked a few days off this week, as I have learned through experience that I need downtime in the late autumn/winter months as my body and brain go into hibernation mode. I extended for the full week, and I’m glad I did. The surgery went well, but it’s still early days - daily visits to the hospital have been about all I’ve managed the last few days.
There has also been some lightness to the week - my youngest son came home at the weekend and we watched our local town centre festive light switch-on, complete with fireworks and a grown up drink to follow. A lovely roast dinner with two of my beautiful friends on Sunday was a wonderful way to start the week. On Monday, I had treated myself to a crystal reflexology session with the lovely Jeannie, which is always enlightening - my intention was to gain stillness and clarity, to get away from my “worst-case scenario” brain and to focus on what I need. Tuesday was an afternoon of festive shopping and distraction for me and Mum ahead of surgery-day on Wednesday.
I held on to the stillness while waiting for news from the hospital - a worrying delay in Dad returning to the ward from recovery, my brain automatically thinking the worst. Beforehand, I had a session with Charlotte (one half of Two Birds Therapy, who use art and creativity as a medium to facilitate talking therapies). We examined my fear of being out of control, quite apt given my Dad was still in theatre while we talked. In my drawing, my fear took the form of a gelatinous slime (think the alien parasite in the Venom films), which I had contained in a laboratory beaker with an airtight lid. I will write more on this at another time, as so much came up in that hour. I am finding it really interesting using art in this way.
Another thing that happened this week is that I was given charge of a Porsche (A BLOODY PORSCHE!!) by my mechanic, while my car is in the garage. Initially, this made me VERY anxious (and on day one, I thought I’d broken it - I hadn’t, it just had a flat battery), and then we had snow, which made me REALLY anxious, but driving it to and from the hospital this week has made me smile a lot. It's raspy and loud, unapologetically a sporty little car (apparently, it is a little car - 2.7litres, still the most powerful car I’ve driven!).
And it gave me pause to think… Maybe the car was a little gift from the universe to make me smile during a difficult week? Maybe I need to be more Porsche - unapologetic, making myself heard, taking up the space and making people turn their heads (I didn’t like people staring to start with, but now I quite like it)?
If you’re still with me, thank you! I know this is a bit rambling, but this week has been too. How do I link this with burnout? I think I am more aware of my energy levels. I have been going to bed around eight o’clock for weeks now. This week off work was much needed, the slow morning starts welcomed. I’ve had some time to read, listen to podcasts and audiobooks, some time to just lay in bed. I have chatted with friends on WhatsApp and Messenger, and their support has meant so much to me. Going forward, I need to be unapologetic about my need to rest, amongst other things. And it's that time of year where nature shows us that it’s time to slow down, to appreciate the small comforts in the darker, colder days.
Some actual sunshine this morning!!
If any of this resonates with you, I’d love to know.
With much love, as always,
Anna x x
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